How to Confront Jealousy in a Relationship

Jessica is the jealous type. But she'd like to think that the level of jealousy she experienced when she was still in a relationship was of the healthy sort. While she did chide her ex-boyfriend for staring a bit too long at girls in miniskirts who strolled past them, she never got into any hissy-fits.

However, whenever a phone call arrived for him from an ex-girlfriend, well, that was a different matter. She never listened in on the phone call yet she could not help but ask out loud why the two of them still kept tabs with each other. She is proud to say that her exes never accused her of being a colossal green-eyed monster.

The same thing can't be said of her friend. Her name is Shannon. She is a self-confessed green-eyed Godzilla. She admits to panicking every time her boyfriend Rick gets a call or text on his cell phone. One harmless SMS he received from a former fling provoked Shannon into smashing his brand-new Nokia cellphone (ouch!). Needless to say, Rick was livid. He has already forgiven her, but with the ultimatum that if she gets into another reckless fit of jealous rage, he would leave her for good.

If you're like Shannon who's constantly suspecting and accusing your significant other of indulging in illicit hanky-panky and compromising your relationship in the process, then it's high time you sit back and take a long, hard look at your own self. There's no way your relationship will thrive if you continue that Jealous Jane act of yours. Here are 3 tips on how to deal with your jealousy:

1. Confront your insecurities. First acknowledge the problem — getting in touch with your inner demon won't make it go away. Jealousy is most frequently based on insecurity, which feeds upon itself and breeds even more insecurity if ignored. If you are the jealous party, take a long hard look at your relationship and ask yourself what evidence you have to justify your fears. Make a detailed list of what sets off your jealous feelings: what behaviors does your partner indulge in? Under what circumstances?  With which people? Now ask yourself how realistic the threat to your relationship is. Imagine your best friend is telling you all this and that you are giving her a reality check — how does that change the way you see things? Better still, confide in your best (or a very close) friend for a proper reality check.

If after careful consideration you decide that you have reason to be suspicious, you need to have it out with him. You can't continue to believe that he is playing away and do nothing about it. If he has given you reason to be jealous before, particularly if he has had an affair, your lack of confidence in him (and yourself) is understandable and the issues surrounding it need to be dealt with. Counseling may help.

2. Get reassurance from each other. If your fears are really based on your own insecurity, it doesn't mean that you are mad, bad or sad, but it does mean that they are not your man's fault and it's not fair to take them out on him. Again counseling helps a lot of people overcome their fears. Talk to your partner about how you feel. That doesn't mean firing out accusations, bullying, nagging or demanding. It does mean being honest and asking for reassurance. Talk to yourself about how you feel. When you start feeling like a bunny boiler, remind yourself how much he loves you and that your fears are not justified.

3. If he's the jealous one, help him out. Look for ways to reassure him and help him build his trust in you. Remember, in a twisted way his jealousy is a compliment. It's a sign of his love, so be as understanding and supportive as you can and try not to get defensive — even when he is accusing you of all sorts.

Ask yourself what triggers his jealousy. You may only need to modify your behavior for a short time to overcome the problem. Don't, repeat DON'T, make any promises you can't keep. If you say that you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, make damn sure you are. Stick religiously to any arrangements you make with him and give him plenty of notice and an explanation if you absolutely have to change your plans. The best way to gain someone's trust is to show that you deserve it by being reliable and dependable.

Help to build his confidence by telling him how much you love him and why he is so special to you and by talking about the future and making plans together. Jealousy isn't easy for anyone to live with, but it is manageable.